Merry Christmas!

 

Just have to get through the work day and I officially start my vacation. An entire week and half off of working spending time with my daughter and husband. It’s the perfect Christmas gift! I couldn’t be more excited to just spend time with my family. The next four days are just packed full with family events. Nothing is better than having the opportunity to see all of my family. It’s so great to have all of our family around and be able to see them. This vacation is much needed and I would even be fine spending it in my pajamas around the house.

So my message to everyone is to not to rush the holidays. They can be stressful and exhausting. Focus on one day at time and enjoy being in the moment. It will be over before you know it. Christmas is one of my favorite times of the year and I am looking forward to my daughter waking up Christmas morning and seeing that Santa came and visited our home.

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

 

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Hiding behind my shirt

Tonight I went out to dinner. The person next to me just met for the very first time. This person doesn’t know me and would have no reason to know my “cancer” story. As I sat there he began talking about how he had just attended a fundraising event to help children with cancer. He went to say how we can never imagine what these people went through. In my head I just wanted to yell out “I DO KNOW!” My heart starts racing and I realizing I am holding my breathe because I feel like everyone at my table is watching me. A lot is going through my head, “I do know what you’re talking about!”  “That was me only eleven months ago, can we please change the subject?” I am dealing with it now as I approach my one year diagnosis date and one month later my scans. 

I know I won’t bring up my story so I stay silent and just continue nodding my head. I don’t want to ruin the mood with my story. I don’t want to make that person feel guilty or uncomfortable. So I will continue to sit there and just nod my head. I will pretend like I am like everyone else at the table just living our normal lives. Hiding my cancer scars behind my shirt. Tonight the invisibility is a curse, it will continue to bother me and bring up memories for me. I will be the one that will see this feeling awkward and uncomfortable. 

This diagnosis changed my life forever and I hate it for that. My life will never be the way it was before. I have to continue to live my life with diagnosis. Every so often there will be days like this one where it gets turned upside down. 

Why are some days harder than others?

Some days I forgot about it and other days it feels like the day I got diagnosed. Mostly I can’t wait until February comes so I can just know from my scans. Why is it that some mornings on my commute it pops into my head and I think oh yeah I am a cancer survivor? Other days its like it never happened. Why can’t everyday be like it never happened? I know this will never go away and sometimes that just plain sucks!

Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful for my life and my outcome. However there are days where I feel like my innocence was stolen from me. I can’t live my life in worry over things I have no control over and this one thing I don’t have control over. It still scares the crap out of me sometimes. I have so much great things in my life that I don’t want to lose. I love my life, I love my family and I love my daughter and husband more than I could ever imagine.

So today is one of those hard days. Why is that? Is it the holidays?

Moments like these I look for things to distract me to get my mind going in a different direction. So I think it’s time to walk away and go look for something exciting and fun to occupy my mind.

Remembering what today is …

I realized today that it was this day last year when I went in for my weekly prenatal doctors appointment. It was the second Thursday before Amelia was born. I remember them telling me that they wanted to induce me and well I started crying. (I am going to blame the hormones on this one.) So the doctor decided they were going to wait and that they would check me again on Monday. Well Monday arrived and I went to work that day. I went to my appointment only to be told that I no longer had a choice they needed to induce me. I had to go to work and wrap things up because I was done. However, thanks to the hospital and the influx in deliveries I never got to start my induction until Wednesday. I sat at home and watched Christmas movies for two days. I attempted to wrap gifts but with my large belly bump that was pretty much an impossible task.

I realized today how glad I am that I can easily move around my house doing some of my favorite holiday things. I am not struggling to bake cookies, wrapping gifts, decorating the house, putting up the outdoor lights.

Last year I was extremely pregnant and following delivery due the c-section I was limited in movement. Most of Christmas is a blur to me. Did I really host Christmas Eve dinner last year for twelve people? My daughter was less than two weeks old and I had just had a c-section and we managed to host both our families for the holidays. This year it should be a cake walk. Bring on the holidays!