20 days to go …

Over the past year I managed to lose all the weight I gained from my pregnancy. I was unable to breastfeed due to complications from delivery so this weight loss was done by working out and watching my diet. We’ve always ate pretty healthy so this wasn’t a huge change for me in regards to my diet.

One major change was in June I went back to playing ice hockey again. I play on a co-ed team one night a week. This has been great workout option for me and works great for my schedule. The games are on weeknights and they are after my daughter goes to bed. I begun to love playing hockey again and I look forward. I have a great group of people that I play with. In fact I have a game tonight and I can’t wait to go.

I’ve lost a ton of weight and I won’t say a number because that’s way to embarrassing. I have set a goal to lose 5 pounds before my scans. I have 20 days left until my scans and 5 pounds to go. I’ve been struggling to lose that last 5 pounds since before the holidays. It is now or never to lose those last 5 pounds. I want to go into my scans and weigh in and show myself that I am healthy and all the hard work this past year has paid off.
Time to kick my ass in gear and lose these last 5 pounds. I’ve done it before and I can do it again!
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One year ago

As I am lying in bed today it feels just like a normal day in my life. I am running around crazy trying to keep up with everything going on. I have been so busy that I haven’t had time to think about what tomorrow really is. I am so grateful and thankful for that.

As I reflect on how I feel I don’t have much to say in regards to it at this moment. This day will always have meaning to me. I don’t feel angry, sad, frustrated or happy. I feel like blah. I feel like I can’t wait for tomorrow to be over.
I did receive a wonderful card in the mail today from a dear friend who happened to remember what tomorrow is for me. As I opened the card I began to cry. It wasn’t because I was sad of the memory. It was because someone remembered and had reminded me that I wasn’t alone. It was so touching to receive love in such a thoughtful way.
I will never forget the exact moments and details that I went through last year. From the moments I walked into the office, to getting the news, to living in fear, and for the moment that changed my life forever. Yes it will always be there and tomorrow I will be reminded of that. All that I hope is that I just have a normal day tomorrow as I am so thankful for normal days.
Goodnight my family and friends­čÄö

To My Friends:

Last night one of my friends called to share with me very exciting news about her life. It made me so happy to part of her exciting news. Before she shared her exciting news she listened on the phone and let me talk about what I was currently struggling with my scans coming up. She was a true friend who followed up the phone call with let me know how you’re doing and please call me. I have some amazing friends out there. We’ve been friends for over ten years now, we’ve been college roommates and for the past 8 years have lived over 500 miles apart from each other. We have been through so much together, grad school, engagements, weddings, and job changes. All of these things are exciting, but we’ve also been through the tough stuff too. True friendship is when you can talk to someone and not judge each other and support each other. Friends are the ones who can lift you up when you really need it most.

I have so many great friends out there. My friends live far away, they live the next town over, they work with me, they play hockey with me, I’ve known them years and I’ve known them months. If you are part of my life then you are a friend to me and I value your friendship. You’ve all been there for me over the last year and half and I am so thankful to you. You are the ones who visited with me, delivered us meals, helped clean my house, called and texted me, and listened when I needed you to.

We all need great friends in life and I am so lucky to have some amazing friends out there.

Love to you all!! xoxo

Trying to Live a Normal Life

A normal life never seemed like a luxury until my diagnosis. ┬áThings that should never effect your life do. There will be days where there is nothing you can do to make it better. They will throw a wrench in your life. You’re already walking a fine line of normalcy, then one little thing can trigger something and you feel like you’ve lost control. You tell yourself only 5 1/2 more weeks until your scans and then you can move on with your life. But will you really be able to move on? This isn’t going away there will be scans again in the future and then what? Will you have the anxiety all over again? Can your family, friends and co-workers really understand the anxiety that scans bring to you? You’ve already made it more than ten months without scans why is now that you struggle with it?

I know the time will go by fast and I am anxious for that day to come and go but I also don’t want time to move fast. Time is precious, that’s time I spend with my daughter and I don’t want that to move fast. So I will continue to walk that balance line for the next 5 1/2 weeks hoping that I don’t fall too far off it.

Image result for thank youSo if you see and my mood seems off, or I am not paying enough attention most likely my mind is off in another direction.

It’s not you and please don’t take it personally. So with that I say thank you for your understanding, thank you for not judging me and thank you for just being a friend.


2017 you make me nervous and excited, I have no idea what you will bring and this is new to me. 2016 was full of a lot of ups and downs. The downs were pretty big but the ups kept me going and put a smile on my face. Watching my daughter grow from a baby into a toddler was pretty amazing in 2016. I loved every adventure she brought us. However, 2016 started rocky for us.  Seventeen days from now will mark my one year diagnosis day and well I am about a month away from scans.

My husband asked me last night what my new years resolution will be. At the time I had no idea what I wanted it to be. I’ve been doing some thinking on this. So my resolution this year is that I plan to share more and voice my feelings. I’ve learned this past year that it is okay to share how you are feeling. I don’t need to hide what I am going through. I’ve learned that sharing my story and feelings has only opened doors for many relationships I am in. People seem to be feel more comfortable around me and they don’t seem to be walking on egg shells. It is okay to talk to me about it, it is okay to ask me questions. So please bring it up, ask the questions and I will be happy to provide you with answers. I still have a lot of questions myself and I am still trying to figure out the answers but I will share that with you too. I am open book about my diagnosis now.

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