When Your Told That You Have Cancer…

I follow Today Parent on Facebook and an article came through my news feed last night that I felt like I had to read. It was titled,  “What Happens When Someone Tells You That You Have Cancer“. My story isn’t that different than the one in that article. It’s not something that I will forget. I was a Mom and that was coming first. I couldn’t just go home and cry my eyes out and curl in a ball. I had to go home and take care of newborn child. I even had my daughter with me when I found out the news. My husband, daughter and I went home following the news from the doctor. She still needed to eat, her diaper changed and rocked.

Then I called my Mom and I told her that she needed to come over right away. I didn’t tell her over the phone but I imagine a lot was racing through her head, but I am sure “cancer” wasn’t something that she was thinking of. We told her what the doctor said and asked her to share the news with my Dad and Brother. I couldn’t bare sharing that news in person with them. It was hard enough having to tell my Mom something like this. I just kept picturing my daughter telling me that same news and how devastated I would’ve been. My Mom she was amazing though she held it together, she was my Mom and did everything I needed her to do as my Mom. We then made the trip to my in-laws to tell them the news. We stood in their kitchen, I was holding my daughter in my arms. I began by saying remember when the doctors were talking about the cyst they found during the c-section, well it came back as cancer. Sharing news like is never easy I will never forget those moments of watching you turn someones life upside down. I wish I was done having to tell people at that moment about the diagnosis but then you realize how many people are part of your life. There were still friends and colleagues that I needed to tell.

We went back home and this time I just slept and I slept. My husband took care of our daughter and I just slept. By sleeping I could dream of amazing things. I wasn’t having to deal with the reality that I had cancer and that I didn’t know how bad it could possibly be. Being awake was horrible to me, sleeping was what made everything better. However, I still needed to get up for night feedings for my daughter.

Thankfully the next morning at 8am my doctor gave me reassuring news that they had good margins from when my doctor removed the cyst from my ovary during the c-section. That night I had my scans done and by the following morning I knew that there was no cancer in me. I am thankful for my amazing doctors who worked on their day off and constantly reassured  me everything was okay. I was fortunate enough that I only had to live two days thinking cancer was in me. I am thankful for the quick turnaround the hospital did in getting my insurance approved and my scans processed the same day. I know not everyone is so fortunate but I am very thankful for all the hard work that everyone put in for me that day. I know it goes beyond the doctors, I know it goes to the schedulers, the admin clerks, the processors, the technicians, the insurance claimers, who all worked very hard in a short period of time for me and my family. I am extremely thankful to all of you!

 

 

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Invisibility

February 15th, 2016, that was the day where they removed one of my ovaries. Although I still have one of my ovaries it feels like a piece of me has been missing. Its not something anyone can see, my cancer diagnosis is an invisible scar. One hidden behind my shirt, but behind that shirt when I get dressed I see those scars. Those scars are a blessing but also reality that my life changed on January 20th, 2016.
When someone looks at me there is no way they can tell what I’ve been going through these past ten months. My cancer is invisible to the human eye. Its a blessing and its also frustrating. How do you bring up your diagnosis in a conversation? It’s not easy and then you sit there and debate when is the right moment to drop news like this. There is never a right time. It also feels like you’re holding onto a large amount of weight.
I can hide behind it too. Once I say it aloud then everyone will know about it. Right now its not very public knowledge. There are friends out there that don’t know about my diagnosis. They don’t know what my husband, family and I have been going through. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I imagine it will eventually come out but when? How do I do that?
This video is something I’ve been relating a lot too lately. I think it describes my story very well as its very similar.