Lucky …

Every so often you’re hit again with the reminder of how lucky you are. Yesterday I had a routine doctors appointment but what should take people a few minutes takes me 20 minutes just to go through my history. “Anything in your past medical history we should know about?” “Have you had major surgery recently?” You have to go through this every time because the person checking you is either new or they won’t remember. It’s also important and vital information that the doctors need to know about.

Then you get an email the next day about someone you don’t know but its shared through a newsletter. This persons life just changed their cancer came back and has spread to the brain. They are living in respite care now. You’re reminded how lucky you are that your life is fairly normal. You’re working full-time, you’re working out, you have no restrictions, you’re worries are about whether you packed enough diapers and wipes. You realize how lucky you are that your worries are so minimal.

You’re happy because its Friday and that you’re spending the whole weekend with your kid and Husband, and that you’re almost halfway through the workday. You know that going to the doctors office is important because of your history so you take the time to make the appointments, talk to your doctors and go through your entire medical history.

I am thankful that my cancer was caught so early by a doctor. It had nothing to do with me. I had no idea that it was growing inside me. It’s important to know your body and to have annual doctor visits. These things can save your life.

Ovarian Cancer is pretty much impossible to recognize. Most people don’t notice the symptoms until the cancer has spread. Click on the link to know what to look out for Ovarian Cancer. Knowing your body is the most important thing you could possibly do.

 

Hiding behind my shirt

Tonight I went out to dinner. The person next to me just met for the very first time. This person doesn’t know me and would have no reason to know my “cancer” story. As I sat there he began talking about how he had just attended a fundraising event to help children with cancer. He went to say how we can never imagine what these people went through. In my head I just wanted to yell out “I DO KNOW!” My heart starts racing and I realizing I am holding my breathe because I feel like everyone at my table is watching me. A lot is going through my head, “I do know what you’re talking about!”  “That was me only eleven months ago, can we please change the subject?” I am dealing with it now as I approach my one year diagnosis date and one month later my scans. 

I know I won’t bring up my story so I stay silent and just continue nodding my head. I don’t want to ruin the mood with my story. I don’t want to make that person feel guilty or uncomfortable. So I will continue to sit there and just nod my head. I will pretend like I am like everyone else at the table just living our normal lives. Hiding my cancer scars behind my shirt. Tonight the invisibility is a curse, it will continue to bother me and bring up memories for me. I will be the one that will see this feeling awkward and uncomfortable. 

This diagnosis changed my life forever and I hate it for that. My life will never be the way it was before. I have to continue to live my life with diagnosis. Every so often there will be days like this one where it gets turned upside down.